Starting a Family: Overcoming My FM Fears
Nine years ago when I was diagnosed with FM, I thought my dream of a family would never come true. To my delight, many things are possible with FM—but sometimes they require a little extra help and planning.
Four years ago, when my husband Mark and I began discussing starting a family, I was excited and scared. How was I going to handle the pregnancy with FM? How would I handle labor? Could I raise a child and be able to take care of my health, which could be its own full time job? The answer is that it wouldn't be easy, and I would need some help, but bottom line—I wanted to have a child and raise a family with my husband.
I started researching FM and pregnancy. To my disappointment there was not a lot of information available. I found a couple of paragraphs in a few FM books. Fortunately, I had the opportunity to attend an Arthritis Foundation Juvenile Arthritis conference. The conference had a seminar for young adults with juvenile arthritis on pregnancy and raising a family. This seminar is what really gave me the courage and confidence to proceed with a pregnancy. At the seminar, a panel of mothers whose ages ranged from late 20s to 60s described what it was like for them having and raising children. It was fascinating because all the moms were in different stages of motherhood—one even had grandchildren. The young mothers had the benefit of better medications and therapies for their various forms of arthritis, while the "grandma" in the group had had very little treatment for her arthritis and as a result lived with severe disease. Nevertheless, all panel members agreed that motherhood was worth all the challenges, and they would do it all over again.
The panelists offered some great tips for motherhood. They reminded us that pregnancy is just nine months. If you want a child, no matter how awful the pregnancy might be, it only lasts nine months. And often, people with autoimmune and chronic pain illnesses actually improve during pregnancy. So you might even feel better pregnant! The thing to prepare for was caring for a baby. Their suggestions included:
- Have the baby sleep next to you so that you do not need to get up to check on the baby.
- Have your husband/partner help with the feedings. If you are breastfeeding, he can bring the baby to you so that you do not need to get up.
- Have your partner do most of the diaper changing in the beginning.
- Research products to make caring for baby easier. There are a lot of handy products on the market now. Examples: co-sleepers that keep the baby sleeping by you but not in your bed, bottle warmers, slings and pillows to help you carry and hold the baby with little effort.
- Recruit as much help as possible.
- If possible, plan to not work outside the home for a while.
- Plan to recover on the first floor of your home if you have a two story home—set up a bedroom on the first floor.
I was inspired after I left this seminar. When I returned home, I started looking for an obstetrician who was knowledgeable in fibromyalgia and vulvodynia (a disorder of pain and severe irritation of the vulva and vaginal area; the condition is a common FM co-existing condition). Luckily I found a fabulous obstetrician, Brian Mason, MD, who was very familiar with vulvodynia and was willing to learn more about FM (he had not previously worked with an FM patient). Dr. Mason is a high-risk obstetrician (perinatologist) so he was had experience working with patients with unique physical challenges.
To my surprise I conceived quickly. After suffering for years from endometriosis, I was not sure if I would be successful. The pregnancy went relatively smoothly too. I did experience the many challenges that most pregnant women have—nausea, back pains, headaches, etc. But I also experienced the many joys that most new moms to be feel: the first time your baby kicks, the ultrasound that gives you a glimpse of the new love of your life, hearing the heartbeat for the first time, and watching your belly grow, knowing each day your baby is getting closer to entering the outside world.
As the baby's arrival approached, Dr. Mason and I started discussing delivery. Based on my severe vulvodynia symptoms, we determined that a C-Section would be appropriate and necessary. I knew I would need a lot of help while I recovered from the C-Section. My husband took two weeks off from work and my mom made plans to stay with me during weekdays. We also had many friends and family members stopping by and bringing us meals. This was invaluable. If anyone offers to help you in any way I highly recommend accepting. Having meals delivered and someone watch the baby while you get a little rest is the best help you can get.
The months following delivery were physically challenging. But aren’t we used to physical challenges, living with FM? If you want a child, it is an unexplainable joy that FM should not steal from you. With proper planning and support, having and raising kids with FM is possible. You may even find that the happiness they bring to your life brings relief from pain and gives you extra motivation to be a fibromyalgia survivor. My son Cooper has brought so much joy to my life that we are expecting baby number two in the spring!
Here are a few parting tips that helped me manage the pregnancy and days following:
- Treat pregnancy as a full time job. Limit and eliminate as many responsibilities as possible. You will need to do this after the baby arrives too.
- Enlist the help of all family and friends. The more help you have, the more you will be able to enjoy your new role as a mom, and the quicker you will be able to recover from the pregnancy and delivery.
- Seek out an obstetrician who is knowledgeable about FM or at least willing to learn—and willing to work with you and your doctor who treats your FM.
- PLAN AHEAD! Try to anticipate your family’s needs when the baby arrives. Have the baby’s room ready and enough baby essentials purchased to get you through the first few months.
- Participate in pregnancy and child rearing classes offered by your hospital and community. Knowing as much as you can about pregnancy and your first months with baby will help you prepare.
- Get in the best possible shape you can before entering the pregnancy so that you can start out in the best health possible. Being pregnant is a strain on all women, so prepare ahead.
- Find out from your doctor which medications are safe during pregnancy. Certain medications may need to be completely out of your system before you conceive—talk to your doctor.
- If you are considering breastfeeding, know that certain medications are prohibited during breastfeeding too.
- Enjoy the pregnancy! It is such a miracle—and the reward is indescribable.
Some resources:
Fibromyalgia: Up Close and Personal by Mark J. Pellegrino, MD
"Moms with Rheumatic Disease: Tips on Motherhood," pamphlet by Jenny Fransen, RN, and Judy Holmquist, RN. Rheumatology Programs, Sister Kenny Institute, Minneapolis, Minnesota.
If you are interested in more information on pregnancy and FM, or you have information on pregnancy and FM, email Sharon Waldrop at Sharon.Waldrop@mifibromyalgia.org
